The apartment allocated to them had a common bathroom. Unfortunately, the heater was not functioning well and each person had to wait an hour or so before they could shower. During the first week in their new accommodation, Betty requested to be the first to shower so that she does not have to stay up late. Anna gave in and this soon became a routine.
Anna was out shopping for groceries one day. It started raining heavily just when she was about to return to the apartment. She was drenched and decided to take a shower before Betty. Betty refused, because she would have to wait for hours before she could shower. Anna was really angry, but did not want to make a big fuss. In the end, Betty got her way.
From a
bystander’s point of view, I feel that Anna was giving in too much to Betty. Perhaps, she felt that Betty was her emotional support; someone who she could turn to in a foreign environment. In addition, Betty was her roommate, with whom she has to stay with for at least half a year. As such, Anna felt a need to maintain a positive
relationship with Betty and gave in to her unreasonable demands.
Betty, on the other
hand, did not seem to appreciate Anna’s efforts. It appeared that she was
taking advantage of Anna's friendly gestures.
What would you do if you were Anna?
Hi Serene,
ReplyDeleteAnna could have tried talking to Betty about this issue. I guess Betty might be quite upset at first, but she has to learn that her actions are inappropriate. She seems to take Anna's kindness for granted. If Anna do not voice out her opinions, Betty might continue to be demanding, and this definitely would not help to maintain a positive relationship.
Perhaps they have talk over a meal, or in a relaxed environment. Anna should be firm when expressing her views, yet not too fierce. She needs to let Betty view from her perspective to help her understand her feelings.
To maintain a good relationship is done not just via giving in all the times, it requires communication as well.
-Jie Wei
Hi Jie Wei!
DeleteThanks for your comments! I absolutely agree with your last point! I feel that Anna was too soft with Betty and gave in to her, despite her unreasonable demands. In this case, the first approach will be to speak to Betty in a more relaxed environment. However, if the problem persists, Anna will have to take a firmer stand. I guess this all falls back to what we have learned in class: how to say no.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Serene !
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I like the way you have structured your post
1) The situation
2) The problem
3) The analysis of the behaviors
Thanks to this structure, it is really simple to understand your post : it is successful communication. Maybe, you could have emphasized the separation between the routine and the trigger with the creation of another paragraph after the sentence " Anna gave in and this soon became a routine. ".
Nevertheless, I think that it would be interesting to know more about the relation between Betty and Anna.
Indeed, excepting the bathroom management, how did it work in the apartment? Who did cook ? What about the housework ? ...
The flatshare life is often not easy.
Personally, I think that this conflict is just the result of a bad organization. Since the first week, the organization for the bathroom is bad. And after it is a vicious circle. I am quite sure that Anna was not satisfied with the situation but because of her communication lake, nothing changes. Moreover, I am convinced that Betty has understood that Anna is not satisfied but as she is happy with this situation, she doesn't communicate.
For those two persons, there are 2 problems : one communication problem and one problem with EQ skills. Betty is just focused on her interests and Anna doesn't dare to clear the air.
Thanks to this event, they could have a talk and try to solve the problem. If I were Anna, I would say : "OK Betty, we have a problem. Why are you always the first in the bathroom ? It is unfair for me. I am sure that we can change the way we use the bathroom for having both a better life in our apartment. I don't say, it is your fault but I think it will be good if things change. Moreover, maybe have you one request about the cleaning or the cooking? It is the best moment for communicating about the flatshare problems !".
Hi Maxime!
DeleteThis was not the only conflict surfaced during their stay together. Surprisingly, the two of them had no issues when it came to the sharing of housework. Cooking was not a problem as most of their meals were provided. Based on Anna's account, it appeared that the two of them simply did not get along. Betty often complained about Anna to her friends, and so did Anna.
I like how you have analyzed the situation based on each person's problem! To put it simply, both of them simply did not know how to communicate their problems. For both of them, it was the first time they were living together with a complete stranger. Perhaps, they found it awkward to voice out their issues and this snowballed into greater problems. Therefore, it might be a good idea for them to simply sit down and talk.
Thanks for your comments and suggestions!
Dear Serene,
ReplyDeleteI went to your post first thing today and wondered right away about where my comment about the post you made on effective communication went. I wondered about why you deleted that post!
I'm pretty sure your professor Brad has something to say to that end! If there was something wrong I said about you or your post, do argue it with me. Hehe!
In any case, I think the situation you described is pretty common conflict anywhere in the world, only the object of the debate would perhaps be the kitchen dishes, or maybe the allocation of room space and other stuff like laundry schedule. Does that make sense?
Frankly, nobody Anna or Betty is in the right or wrong, only right and wrong to the extent of what the agreement constituted: Betty would always bath first and Anna had to wait hours later to do so because Betty slept earlier than Anna. Such was the agreement and Anna and Betty will be taken to task on the issue of who is right or wrong based on whether they broke this agreement. Sadly, the agreement didn't make room for exigent circumstances like the one Anna experienced drenched soaked in dirty rainwater because quite rightly, I assumed, these things are hard to predict, if at all possible! Does that make sense my dear Serene?
Neither did anywhere in the agreement even make a mitigating clause for instances where if the life of Anna is in danger and the use of the bathroom will help rescue it, she will get the benefit of the doubt!!!!! Does that make sense? Everything is left to assumptions, assumptions and more assumptions. Rules of engagement aren't perfectly defined even in civil and criminal law, some very slight assumption is always made.
In any case, Anna had to rely on the benevolence of Betty which failed obviously to transpire per the story, and this is very pitiful strain to the relationship.
A couple of things Anna can quite freely do is secretly use the bathroom and fast. In and out of that thing like a strike of lightning, and rewarm the heater as fast as she can after the shower. The next thing would be to go to a friend's home to shower. The least acceptable to Anna would probably dry herself with a clean tower and change into dry clothes temporarily, tolerate the uneasiness of being dirtied by rainwater, wait out the hours while completing her homework, then shower! The last option is probably the most feasible, I think.
A nice post indeed!
Cheers:)
Hi Mark!
DeleteI have not deleted the comment you have made in the first post! I can still see it, not sure if others can as well. In fact, it was classified as spam initially and I pulled it out of that folder! I guess this maybe due to a problem with the server.
Thank you for your analysis of the situation. Like others have pointed out, this conflict probably came about due to a lack of communication between the two of them. True, Anna might have made a verbal agreement with Betty; she probably could not foresee the day that she might need to shower first.
The immediate solution for Anna, like you have suggested, would be to dry herself first. However, simply giving in would definitely not be the long-term solution. After all, they were going to be housemates for half a year. Therefore, I feel that Anna should approach Betty and speak to her.
Hi, Serene! I was surprised because my girlfriend name is Anna;;;
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I think that the problem is derived from the lack of communication. No matter how Anna tried to have a good relationship with Betty, it would be useless if Betty cannot recognise her efforts.
I think that people tend to regard other people’s efforts as normal. I’m not asking Anna to force Betty to recognise her efforts; however, in order to solve the problem, Anna must somehow make Betty to understand how Anna feels.
Hi Bongjin! This is purely a coincidence! Are you better able to relate to this situation (Since its female lead shares the same name as your girlfriend)? XD
DeleteYou are right to point out that Betty was taking Anna's goodwill for granted. However, what do you suggest Anna do to make Betty understand her feelings? Perhaps, like what others have suggested? Sit down over a cup of coffee and chat?
Hi Serene!
ReplyDeleteI believe that a person needs to be self-loved before being loved by others. Anna was giving to much to Betty, as a result, she forgot herself need some love also. Moreover, a true friendship is not something like a accounting sheet where we do not need to balance out the credits and debits.
In this case, Betty was too self-centered,that was not a pleasant personality. Anna should mention this to her and hopefully both of them would be better off regarding the situation.
Hi Zhuang Wei!
Delete"A true friendship is not something like an account sheet where we need to balance out the credits and debits". I believe that is what you meant? I really like this analogy anyway. :)
True, Anna should voice out her opinions to Betty. However, I feel that this would be a great challenge. What approach should Anna take so that it does not further strain the relationship between her and Betty? How should she say it so that it does not hurt Betty?
Ho Serene!
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that Anna should have stood up to Betty, at least in this instance, since Anna's health should be above Betty's convenience. Anna could express that just because she had been accommodating Betty's REQUEST for awhile does not mean that she has to do it always. This should place Anna in a more powerful position to limit Betty's attitude around the house. However, Betty also seems to be self-centred and overbearing enough to turn into a bully should Anna dare to cross her, so Anna might well be protecting herself.
Perhaps Anna could invest in a kettle, heat water elsewhere, and shower whenever she wants. The kettle should never be lent to Betty, of course. However, if Betty should be the kind of person who does not mind using others' things without permission, Anna could go for humour and paste a loud, "XXXX YOU, THIEF!" on the kettle, or be slightly vicious, by carefully sticking a semi-permeable packet of itching powder on the inside of the kettle each time she finishes using it. Then, the day Betty starts itching will be the day she gets caught red-handed. Of course, there are numerous other ways to communicate that one is no longer willing to put up with unacceptable behaviour. It really depends on the situation and personal courage, but when the going gets tough, I find it heartening to remember the line, "The creative adult is the child who survived."
A small note on the introduction: avoid repeating " the story I am about to tell you" by going straight to introducing the issue or central event of the story.
Hi Eunice!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your suggestions!
I particularly like the method of using humour. Many a times, we tend to get really upset in a conflict and are often influenced by our negative emotions. The outcome? We tend to adopt a negative perspective when brainstorming for solutions as well. Therefore, I feel that humour is a really interesting way to resolve an interpersonal conflict. Who knows? It might even be more effective than confrontation?